i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
