I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize