Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
