i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
