i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
