Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
