I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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