your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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