i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
