I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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