I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
