Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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