So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
