I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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