I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
