I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
