My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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