I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
