white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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