First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
