I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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