Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
