Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
