I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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