where am i from again
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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