She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
