fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
