oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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