Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
