if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My bed smells like the plague
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