it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
