He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
