You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
