I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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