I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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