pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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