Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
