you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
