Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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