The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
