he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
