I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
