in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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