I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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