I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Houston, we have a squirter
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
