Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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