I will die if light touches me.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
