Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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