My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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