Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
