my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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