i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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