did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
