Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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