Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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