why didn't you poke me back
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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