My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
