Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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